How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Good Morning Dear Ones,

My this has been a busy week. And so little time for blogging! Allow me to share with you some highlights:

• Last night Lynsey wanted to borrow a folder containing all of her and Sarah's reports and timesheets. I said "Okay, but be sure to bring them back...I haven't even faxed those reports to the Corporation!"

• After I said this they would not stop laughing and mocking me, so I knocked over all the stuff on their desks.

• Among those reports was this from Sarah: "Steve made me cry today. I think he will make me cry again tomorrow."

• She was being honest. This was an important learning experience for me. I would now like to share it in a new Better Cats and Gardens exclusive called

Steve's Rules of Effective Management

Rule 1: Making Them Cry is Good

Every time you can get your workers to openly weep, you win. The experience of crying on the job is so unpleasant that most people will do anything to avoid repeating it: Thus, after the first cry, you can expect at least a 227% increase in productivity!

However, do not stop here. Crying is one of the few activities not governed by the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns. Every time your workers cry, their productivity will not only increase, it will increase exponentially. Thus, Cry #2 can be expected to quadruple Cry #1's effects; Cry #3 will tentriple it; until by Cry# 16 you can pretty much expect a Billion Percent level of worker productivity.

For some, this is difficult. Fortunately I've created this handy exercise! Everyone, get out your workbooks and write down:

The 10 things your workers do that annoy you most.
The 10 things that you like the most.
10 neutral characteristics.
10 things that they don't do but might.
10 things that they don't do and probably never would.

And: There you go! 50 handy items with which to make fun of them. That's 50 solid days worth of crying! Think how much you'll get done!

It is also necessary, of course, to reorient your thinking from what I call the "Blindness of Kindness" Mindset toward the "Cruelty is Cool and Funny" Mindset.

Example:

Your employee wears a particularly fetching outfit today. A bad leader would say, "I like that shirt. You look very nice today."

But thanks to my special training, you will now say "That shirt is retarded. You must come from poor genetic stock."

Cue: Tears, Efficiency.

***

Well, that's all for today. Stay tuned to this blog for more exclusive management tips and exercises. Or, for a low monthly installment of $262.50, you can have Steve come into Your Office and reorganize your workforce today!

(Make checks payable to my landlord. Void where prohibited.)