Mistakes Were Made

It began wittily enough.

First I was in the grocery store and the cashier had to slide my card a bunch of times. "I'm sorry," she said, "Your card wasn't communicating." I looked at her and said, "Yeah, that's what my girlfriend says about me."

I'm single, but everybody still laughed.

***

Later it was time for Little Murphy's. It was an important evening for me, the Night of Restitution. I walked in by myself. Bill the BarBack was there and said, "What do you need?"

I said, "First, I owe you seven dollars from last Thursday."

He looked at me in shock as I gave him seven bucks and two for the tip jar. "That's the first time that's ever happened," he said.

For one fleeting moment, I was an honest man.

I was waiting for LeeAnn, but she had decided that there is little difference between 7:00 and 7:50. In the meantime Gabriel and Megan turned up. Says Megan: "What should I order?"

I noticed on the menu that there is a logger sandwich, Roseburg being a defunct logging town. I suggested that. "The logger is so you."

"Why, because I'm from Roseburg?"

"No, because you're malty with a smooth finish."

***

Some weeks ago, Gabe and I were at The Idle Hour when a woman turned up and chatted with us about how we are intellectuals.

Last night the very same woman was there, and accosted Gabriel, Megan and I as we were smoking cigarettes outside. She is crazy and we were irritated. "Hi intellectuals! You guys are so cool! You're the coolest in town!"

...It was obnoxious, until she started giving out Awards! You know of course that this is not the first award I have received this week, but it was the first award presented by Sloth from The Goonies.

The 2008 Sloth Awards

brought to you by psychedelic mushrooms, or possibly the use of intravenous drugs during pregnancy

Presented to:

• Gabriel. "You are the Smartest."

• Megan. "You are the Prettiest."

• Steve. "You are the Cleverest."

I would say that everyone was pretty satisfied with the results.

***

It is the next day, and I am left with a few lingering questions. Among these:

Why did it make sense to go the DeathMetal Bar at 10:00 at night?

Why is my bank account suddenly so depleted?

What is this pounding, pounding, pounding in my skull?

I searched all morning for the answer, before deciding: Perhaps there are some mysteries Man was never meant to unravel.