The AM/PM Alarm Clock Switch

We all know how this goes.

Wake up. Slowly come into consciousness. Think: My alarm didn't go off. Is it Saturday? What time is it? 8:30! Oh fuck! Oh -- scramble out of bed, pull your clothes on faster than at any other time in your life, miss a button, mismatch your socks, don't realize until later that you're wearing the same shirt as yesterday. And:

What the fuck happened? I set my alarm for 7:00! Like I always do! And you look at it and realize:

It's not set for 7:00 AM.

It's set for 7:00 PM!

What the fuck? What the fuck!? Who the fuck did this?? Who the fuck came into my house, while I was sleeping, and switched my alarm from 7AM to 7PM!? God damn it, Why!? They knew I needed to be at work at 9. They knew how important it was! God damn them!

And now it's 9:45 and you get to work, and everyone looks at you, and maybe they want to mention how you're 45 minutes late, which is pretty fucked up, and you're like,

Don't you get it!? This is a major crisis! Someone came into my home! They snuck into my bedroom, while I was sleeping, and they switched my alarm clock from AM to PM! I don't want to fucking hear about work! Who did it? Was it you? Are you fucking trying to sabotage me, by switching my alarm clock from AM to PM? I'm not going to let you do this! You've always had it out for me -- Jerry the Maintenance Man! Oh yes, they probably taught you everything about alarm clocks in custodian school. You know all about how to get into them and take 7:00 AM into 7:00 PM.

Damn you. Damn all of you! And obviously -- obviously -- finishing this grant proposal is going to have to wait until this mystery is resolved!

***

I just realized that as I was typing out that rant, in my head my voice sounded a lot like Dane Cook.

That is very troubling.

Let's talk about something else.

***

Dreams:

Last night I dreamed that I, Allen Paxtor, visited the People's Democratic Republic of China, which was located on the island of Taiwan. I was a crewman aboard a sailing ship, and we put into port and toured the socialist paradise. Everywhere there were pictures of the island's leader and heart, Lady Mao. So I decided to visit her, in her gargantuan Tower in the island's center.

Lady Mao gave me an audience, and we talked. In particular, we talked about every woman I (Steve, not Allen Paxtor) have slept with in the last few months. And she condemned me very, very harshly for it, and cried. And I felt like I had betrayed socialism. And I left the lady's Tower and headed back to my ship.