Press RETURN to size up the situation

Hi anybody.

It is 11:07, Saturday night, as I write this. I am packing my things. In 13 hours I will be on a plane to Oregon. That is a lie: In 13 hours I will be on a plane to San Francisco, from there to get a plane to Oregon. As of one hour ago, none of my stuff is packed. Now most of it is. As you can imagine, I have been drinking.

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flonk.

...That was my brain trying to make a joke and failing. That's because I'm not jokeable, in fact, I'm scared shitless. My cats are trying to help me pack but they are useless; the passive aggressive one keeps trying to get in my suitcase and the old gross one is sneaking about making trouble and the little weird one is I think playing with a bit of string.

Items left to pack:

• one messenger bag;
• one snazzy topcoat;
• four condoms;
• about twelve hair-ties, for when my hair gets long enough to pull back again.

Things I am currently worried about:

• Will I have too much luggage, and have to pay 70 bucks to check everything?
• Will the airplane people have my name on some kind of list and disappear me?
• Will the plane crash and I will die?
• Will the plane crash and I will not die, even though everyone else did, and in the ensuing adventures a guy tries to convince me I'm a superhero and my kid points a gun at me cause he thinks it won't even hurt me cause I'm unbreakable, like in that movie I hated?
• Will the plane simply vanish, and everyone will not even know it vanished, they won't know it ever took off, and no one will have any idea what "Steve Thomas" is, except one person will remember, one lonely friend of mine, and she will try to convince everyone that I was a man and I existed...dammit he existed, and he was a man! A beautiful, witty, intelligent, cunning, sexy, delightful man! No, silly, you only imagined him. You've been under a lot of stress, what with these deadlines and the war with Iran. Maybe you should take the rest of the week off. But if he never existed--then who wrote this blog??? What blog, honey? Ba-duh-DAH!!!!!
• What if I can't carry that much meat?
  

Well kids, now it's 2:24 AM. Progress made on packing since 11:07: None. Progress made on my iTunes: Lots! I guess I'd better go get ready. Goodbye America! I'm bound for Oregon.