The Miseries of Pittsburgh

Okay it's like 400 days later and I still haven't finished writing about this damnable trip! This will be the last post about it. It will be epic, and cover everything. It will be abbreviated.

Day 6: In Pittsburgh

5:00 - Arrival at the Pittsburgh airport. Waiting to pick me up was JAY.

Jay: First seen at the airport terminal, bearded and carrying a copy of the Koran. Fortunately my plane was early, so he didn't have enough time to get arrested.

5:30 - There is no better entrance to a city than the Fort Pitt tunnel.

6:00 - So there's this beer called ichor by some brewer I've never heard of. The old Italian guy that runs Grazziano's pizza place apparently got a bunch in and is selling them for cheap. Hello delicious. Also, Jay and JIM are brewing BEER in their basement.

Jim: First seen walking down the street in Lawrenceville, Jim is 96% more bearded than the last time I saw him. On the other hand, so am I.

Beer: First drunk at age 14 at Thanksgiving, Beer has since become a major staple of The Steve Life.

6:30 - Enter MISTER THIRTEEN.

13: I am proud of having christened him with this name, the same under which his article which also appeared on this blog was published in Steel City Revolt.

7:00 - Belvediere's. I remember sitting in this bar on a winter night two years ago with my friend Richie. It was a Wednesday. We were two of the only people there. The bartender, bored or lonely, struck up a conversation with us, eventually inviting us to come back the next day "for our first ever 80's night." I believe the rest is history.

11:00 - Or 10 or 12. Enter some new douchebag friend of Jim and Jay's. These two have a collection of random hangers-on, all of them unpleasant. I don't know this one's name. Probably "Standard Pittsburgh Fucktard."

Standard Pittsburgh Fucktard: Gave us a ride up the hill to the BRILLO BOX. Meanwhile he had a breathalizer in his car, for some reason/because that's the kind of thing a douchebag would have. I blew .11.

The Brillo Box: Epicenter of East End hipsterdom. The scene and source of every major insane event of the last 2 years I lived in Pittsburgh. I knew the two gentleman tending bar rather well, and I suppose they must know me a lot better (since they remember the stuff I do).

Drunk:00 - Pass out.

Day 7

11:00 - Wake up; it feels like 8. Oh, it is 8, but not really. I don't understand time.

1:00 - Finally leave the house; go to OAKLAND.

Oakland: Location of the UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH. My favorite restaurant there is Oishi Bento. I walked in; found it over-crowded; walked out realizing I wouldn't be comfortable unless I had a book to read. So I went to the campus Book Center and bought a collection of classic weird fiction (each story with an intro by H.P. Lovecraft!), thinking I could also make a gift of it for my hosts.

The University of Pittsburgh: Location of 5 years of idleness; source of thousands of dollars of debt.

4:00 - I had early called my friend MEGAN and invited her to lunch with me, but she said, "No Steve, there is a blizzard approaching, you should leave Oakland and come back to Lawrenceville before 6."

Megan: Anthropology grad student at the University of Pittsburgh; when I met her for coffee she brought me a scarf made in the Himalayas, presumably purchased on her recent trip to India. It was cold and I was grateful. One month later, I keep forgetting I own it until I go out the door in the morning and think "Man I wish I had a scarf."

6:00 - Megan and I went back to the Brillo Box and ordered dinner. My brother JIMMY and his girlfriend turned up.

Jimmy: 14 feet tall but still a little shit. Lately he has let his hair grow out, having no money to pay a barber. It was commented by others that he looks like me. I denied it. To demonstrate that it was true, he pulled his hair back from his face and scowled.

6:00-2:00: 8 hours of the fucking Brillo Box. After Jimmy, CURT arrived. It was an interesting combination. Megan said she had to go home because she had no money. I said No, stay and I will buy you drinks. 13 turned up. RYAN and BEAUREGARD turned up. LAUREN turned up. This is why I spent so much time at this bar: EVERYBODY ALWAYS TURNS UP. Jay turned up. IAN turned up. Jim turned up, I think. Let's examine some of these characters.

Curt: Delightful artist and longtime friend; the only person I know who is karmically in the black. Curt is one of my favorites.

Ryan: Only speaks in rants. In the past he, Richie and I spent a great deal of time playing Rummy and watching Bruce Springsteen live in London in 1975.

Beauregard: Ryan's current roommate; also works with Curt at a gallery downtown. Coincidences like that happen frequently in Pittsburgh. I call them Pittsburgh Moments.

I cannot handle writing anymore right now. Therefore I am going to post this as is. Still to come: Rummy; Black Velvet; and the Trinitarian Heresy. Join us next time.